Why Is it Hard to Make Friends Over 30
While a lot of this article was clearly not meant for me, nevertheless I found it illuminating, as well as enjoyable. Much of the article revolve around marriage and children - two aspects of life which don't apply to me, naturally, but given that many of my friends are either married or in relationships akin to marriage, it did help to explain some of their behavior. Specifically, the concept of having to find friends "as couples" - probably showing off some of my own ignorance, but that part made no sense to me. Why can't you find (or make) friends on your own? That said, given how often I move around, the article appealed to me personally in many ways, though I did have a number of criticisms.
What the article said about careers being all-consuming was fascinating to me, especially since I have met so many people over the years who fall into that category; I certainly don't. I suppose because of my own approach to my career, I have found it difficult to relate to people who cannot make friends due to their own careers. Ditto on people who have "set" social groups - why eschew making new friends just because you seem like you have enough? In any case, it was good to see a different perspective, and to try to understand that aspect a bit more.
The part that really appealed to me was simply the challenge of making new friends when everyone around you already seems like they're set for friends. This was the experience I had in Toronto when I first moved there, and to say that I didn't like it would be an understatement. It was a similar experience for me in college also; it was difficult to make new friends (outside of the Polish Club) after the first year because everyone had their friends already made. My first year in college was a catastrophe in many ways, and I was keen to move on from it. Since I was walking around with not nearly as many friends, however, I stood out, or at least felt that I did. I also haven't held on to most of the friends I made in college; sure, I'm in contact with many of them, but they were definitely what the article called "situational friendships". Going away for a year from Toronto also revealed some of my close friends as instead being somewhat situational, but after Rochester I expected that.
This brings me to a major criticism I had of the article; it does not dwell nearly enough on how people make it hard for themselves to make new friends. In my experience, making friendships is a conscious choice, and what the article does is create excuse after excuse. Only once does it address the issue of people changing as they get older, and becoming less patient with people who are very different. For me, that is the key barrier to friendship - people are often lazy when it comes to making friends, or simply unwilling. That is the key problem in Toronto, and NYC also - people become so set in their ways that they are unwilling to change. Their lifestyles, whether unconsciously or by design, become so crowded that they cannot fit anyone new in. That sort of static lifestyle is dangerous, in my opinion - we need to be able to change. You never know when the life you've carefully crafted for yourself will come crashing down. The article addresses that, but only through divorce, and even then doesn't offer many alternatives.
My friends and friendships are really important to me, and from the article, it sounds like marriage makes it truly difficult to make new friends. I wonder if all marriages are so hostile to making new friends as the ones described in the article - if so, count me out! To be fair, I don't think marriage as a concept is to blame for this - I think how people approach their marriage and how it should impact their social life is the culprit. For me, a successful marriage is between two people with (close to) independent social spheres, in addition to the one they share together.
The article is courtesy of Rabbi Tyson's facebook feed. It was originally written by Alex Williams and published in the New York Times.
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